Does Having Kids Kill a Good Marriage?

Bringing a child into the world is one of the most profound transitions a couple can go through.
But it’s also one of the most destabilizing.

In her powerful video, “Does Having Kids Kill a Good Marriage?”, Dr. Shauna “Doc” Springer—trusted psychologist to warriors and author of Warrior: How to Support Those Who Protect Us—explores this very question. And what the research shows might surprise you.

The Research Is Clear—and Complicated

Multiple studies confirm what many couples feel but rarely talk about: marital satisfaction tends to decline after the birth of a child—especially for women.

A comprehensive meta-analysis from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that nearly two-thirds of couples experience a significant drop in relationship quality during the transition to parenthood (Mitnick, Heyman, & Smith Slep, 2009). For many, the strain of disrupted routines, sleep deprivation, increased responsibility, and loss of intimacy creates a pressure cooker that’s hard to ignore.

But what Doc Springer reminds us is just as important as the dip: the trajectory.

Much of this research comes from snapshots in time. One survey may be conducted late in pregnancy—when anticipation, support, and excitement are high. Another may be taken six months postpartum—when exhaustion, logistical chaos, and identity shifts are in full swing.

It’s no surprise, then, that happiness takes a hit.

But longitudinal research—the kind that follows couples over years—shows that for many couples, this drop is temporary. The initial stress gives way to new rhythms, deeper bonds, and eventually, a return to pre-baby levels of marital satisfaction (Doss & Rhoades, 2017).

Marriage After Kids: What Really Changes?

The truth is, everything changes.

• Routines are upended

• Time and energy are divided

• Intimacy shifts from romantic to logistical

• Communication styles may fray under pressure

And yet, with intention and partnership, many couples come out stronger—not in spite of the challenge, but because of it.

This doesn’t happen automatically. It requires conscious investment in each other, even when time is short and tempers are stretched thin.

This Is Not About Blame. It’s About Awareness.

Doc Springer’s insight reframes the entire conversation:

“It’s not that having kids kills a marriage. It’s that the experience of raising children demands more intentional care of the relationship if we want it to thrive.”

When we expect things to stay the same—or assume that love alone will sustain us—we set ourselves up for disconnection.
When we prepare, communicate, and actively support each other, we set the stage for long-term trust and resilience.

The Most Powerful Thing You Can Ask

In her video, Doc Springer offers a beautifully simple yet transformative question for couples raising children:

“What is one small thing I can do for you on a regular basis to let you know I’m in this with you?”

This question shifts the focus from what’s missing to what’s possible.
It grounds the relationship in mutual support, small actions, and shared purpose.
It acknowledges the struggle without getting stuck in it.

Take This With You: A Relationship Reset for Parents

Whether you’re expecting your first baby or already deep into the parenting journey, try this with your partner:

1. Watch the Video Together

Share Dr. Springer’s video and create space for honest reflection.

2. Ask Each Other:

“What is one small thing I can do for you regularly to show you I’m in this with you?”

3. Really Listen

Don’t offer solutions. Just take it in. Let it land.

4. Choose One Action

Commit to doing that one thing—consistently and sincerely. It can be as simple as:

• Bringing them a cup of coffee

• Taking over bedtime once a week

• Saying, “I see how hard you’re working—and I appreciate you”

Final Thought: It’s Not the Kids. It’s the Connection.

Having children doesn’t kill a good marriage.
What challenges a marriage is the lack of space to adapt, support, and keep choosing each other in the middle of change.

Love after kids doesn’t look like it did before—but it can be deeper, stronger, and more resilient than ever.
All it takes is a willingness to be present to the journey—and to one another.

Works Cited

Doss, B. D., & Rhoades, G. K. (2017). The transition to parenthood: Impact on couples’ relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 25–28.

Mitnick, D. M., Heyman, R. E., & Smith Slep, A. M. (2009). Changes in relationship satisfaction across the transition to parenthood: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(6), 848–852.

Springer, S. (n.d.). Does Having Kids Kill a Good Marriage? [Video]. MAGNUS|ONE.