If your relationship involves one or more of the following toxic syndromes, it is best to avoid more deliberate work on your relationship without professional help. Lay attempts to confront the other party may dangerously backfire. A skilled counselor can provide a more safe setting for diagnostics and intervention. After you and your partner are more stable as individuals, more meaningful work can be done as a couple. The four most toxic syndromes are as follows:
- Drug Affected – Either partner is using frequent alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, or other mood-altering chemical.
- Third -Party Contamination – Either partner is keeping contact with another person with whom they have previously had a sexual/emotional bond.
- Threat of Physical Violence – Either partner has demonstrated through their past behavior or by verbal threat that they may physically assault or restrict movement of the other.
- Intentional Deception – Either party intentionally tries to lie or deceive the other in order to avoid exposing broken agreements or irresponsible behavior.
Less Toxic Syndromes
- Role-Bound, Emotional Starvation Syndrome – Both parties have evolved to interact with each other like business managers, going about the business of managing everyday life but without mutual play or sentimental affirmation of each other. Special time is not allocated for intimate talking. No significant effort is made to share intimate time away from parenting roles. Each party feels “taken for granted.” Arguments flare up about minor control issues or events that indicate a lack of appreciation of each other.
- Pursuer – Evader Syndrome – One party is more comfortable expressing intense feelings. The other party dreads intensity, especially heated conflict. The person who dreads intensity finds ways to emotionally withdraw by finding responsibilities to take up their time. The other person sees their partner withdrawing and reacts by aggressively pursuing contact. They often intrude by expressing their resentments in a derogatory manner. The pursuer/intruder may also openly interpret the withdrawing party’s feelings and motives. The withdrawing party reacts by withdrawing further. The pursuer feels like they are being driven “crazy.”
- Initiator – Dependent Syndrome – One party (the initiator) has somehow wound up with all the responsibility for planning the fun part of the relationship. The dependent party may be very responsible in their job role. However, they look to the initiator for ideas when it comes to family or relationship activity. The dependent party is “easy” and ready to agree. The initiator feels as if they have another child for a partner. They miss the excitement of another perspective besides their own and feel lonely, although they may cover it with anger.
- Delinquent Helper Syndrome – One party (the “task-master”) has somehow wound up responsible for overseeing the household chores. The other party often doesn’t “help”. The taskmaster frequently reminds the delinquent helper what needs to be done. The delinquent helper often forgets if they’re not frequently reminded.
- Unproductive Conflict – The couple starts a conflict over a specific issue but soon escalates to general blaming behavior. Past misdeeds are raised up in an attempt to invalidate the other. Nothing gets accomplished, and the couple retreats from one another with much hostility. This syndrome does not refer to conflict that threatens violence or actually becomes violent.
- “Sneaky” Spending Behavior One party is trying to reduce spending to live within a realistic budget, and the other party is often unmindful of what they spend. The less mindful person may not be forthcoming about what they buy.
- Conflicting Levels of Sexual Interest – One party wants it more, and the other party wants it less. This does not refer to syndromes in which emotional conflict or emotional alienation is affecting sexual interest. Instead, this is merely referring to different levels of sexual drive.
- Non-violent Raging Behavior – In a conflict situation, one part is likelier to yell and scream before retreating in a “huff.” In some couples, the rager may disapprove of their behavior but feel helpless to prevent it. They may try to avoid conflict situations altogether.
©COPYRIGHT (5/1999) Allied Psychological Services and utilized in this APP with permission given by Dr. Bryce Kaye.
DISCLAIMER: The reference to “Marital First Aid” in this APP is only metaphorical and should not be interpreted literally as a professional or medical procedure. In no way should the reader construe that an actual doctor-patient relationship exists because of such metaphorical language. The syndromes cited in this APP are not found or recognized in DSM-IV. Any true professional diagnostic assessment would require a first meeting with a counselor to provide more detailed information about yourself, your history, your situation, and your symptoms. No guarantee is made regarding the outcome and consequences of suggested interventions. However, it is accurate to portray said interventions as having been historically helpful to other people who have been previous clients of Dr. Bryce Kaye. Suppose the reader desires Dr. Bryce Kaye to assume responsibility for their care in a doctor-patient relationship. In that case, the reader should call for an appointment so that a thorough diagnostic assessment and treatment plan can be performed and a professional relationship can be established.