The Shift No One Prepares You For
In professions like law enforcement, the military, or emergency services, your day doesn’t end when your shift does. There’s the job itself, which is Shift One. Then the reports, emails, and administrative carryover; Shift Two. But Shift Three? That’s the one no one teaches you about. It’s the shift from tactical mode to relational mode. And it’s the one that matters most at home.
You might leave the radio and vest behind, but your nervous system stays on high alert. You walk into your house with adrenaline still coursing through you, your eyes scanning, and your mind racing. Your body is still in “go” mode, but your family needs you in “be here” mode.
Your Brain Thinks You’re Still On Duty
Here’s why that transition is so hard: Your brain doesn’t get the memo that the shift is over. Research indicates that your stress response, commonly referred to as the “fight, flight, or freeze” system, can remain active for hours after a high-stress event (McEwen & Gianaros, 2011). Your body is primed to act, not connect.
That becomes a problem when you step into a quiet home. Your family doesn’t want you to have command presence. They want emotional presence. They want you.
I learned this the hard way.
After my shifts, I’d call teammates on the drive home to decompress. But one night, I walked through the door still on the phone. My daughter ran up to greet me, arms outstretched. I was half-listening. My wife, calm, direct, and beautifully honest, said:
“I don’t care if you have to run laps around the block. But when you walk through that door, you belong to her.”
That hit me like a flashbang. She was right. I had mastered tactical de-escalation on the job. But I hadn’t learned how to de-escalate at home.
The Spillover No One Talks About
This challenge is common among high performers in tactical fields. Psychologists refer to it as role spillover when the emotions, habits, and stress of one role spill over into another (Grzywacz & Marks, 2000).
We bring mission-mode thinking into spaces that require connection, empathy, and flexibility. We act like we’re still clearing rooms when what our family needs is for us to sit down and listen.
It’s not a weakness. It’s biology.
But it’s also our responsibility to change gears.
A Protocol for Coming Home
So, how do you shift from protector to parent, operator to partner? You build a Tactical-to-Relational Transition Protocol. Not to soften yourself, but to center yourself. To be fully present where it matters most.
1. Ritualize the Commute
Use your drive home to unwind. Skip the phone calls and heavy podcasts. Try silence or calming music. Breathe intentionally: inhale for 4 seconds, exhale for 6 seconds. This activates the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling to your body that it’s safe to relax (Lehrer & Gevirtz, 2014).
2. Scan Before You Step In
Before you walk through the front door, do a 60-second body check. Are your shoulders tense? Is your jaw clenched? Tactical stress shows up in the body. Presence starts with awareness.
3. Use a Symbolic Reset
Create a simple ritual that marks the transition. Change clothes. Wash your face. Tap the doorframe and say, “I’m here.” These small acts signal your brain that it’s time to switch roles.
4. Drop the Armor
At work, you wear emotional armor; it’s part of the survival process. At home, that same armor blocks connection. Let it go. Your family doesn’t need your vigilance. They need your vulnerability.
5. Receive Before You Report
Don’t start talking about your day the moment you walk in. First, receive. Let your child’s hug, your partner’s welcome, or your dog’s wag be the first thing you respond to. They come first, not the debrief.
Lead with Presence, Not Perfection
You won’t get this right every time. There will be days when you’re worn down, distracted, or preoccupied. That’s okay. What matters most is showing up, not perfectly, but authentically.
After 25 years in tactical operations, I’ve led through chaos and crisis. But learning how to come home, to be home, required a different kind of courage. The type that removes the badge and armor and says, “I’m here. All of me.”
We often discuss the importance of sacrifice on the job. But what are we willing to sacrifice for the people waiting at home?
Next time your daughter runs to you, make sure a phone call does not greet her.
References
Grzywacz, J. G., & Marks, N. F. (2000). Reconceptualizing the work–family interface. Journal of Occupational Health Psychology, 5(1), 111–126. https://doi.org/10.1037/1076-8998.5.1.111
Lehrer, P. M., & Gevirtz, R. (2014). Heart rate variability biofeedback. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 756. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2014.00756
McEwen, B. S., & Gianaros, P. J. (2011). Stress-induced brain plasticity. Annual Review of Medicine, 62, 431–445. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-med-052209-100430
Javidi, M., & Ellis, B. (2024). The Theory of MAGNUS OVEA. https://www.linkedin.com/in/brian-ellis-26577a27/