Active Listening: The Most Powerful Way to Show You Care
You may think you’re a good listener—but are you really there when someone is speaking?
Here’s the hard truth: listening is one of the most deceptively difficult things humans do. It feels automatic, but it’s anything but. In fact, neuroscience shows that the odds are stacked against us when it comes to fully tuning in.
We speak at an average rate of 125 words per minute, but the brain can process speech at up to 400 words per minute (Nichols & Stevens, 1957). That gap means there’s extra bandwidth in the brain—and your mind will try to fill it. It might drift to what’s for dinner, replay a call from earlier, or jump into judging, fixing, or forming your response.
This tendency is linked to what’s called the default mode network—the brain system responsible for mind-wandering, self-referential thoughts, time travel (past and future), commentary, and social comparison (Buckner et al., 2008). When you’re lost in thought, even subtly, you’re no longer with the person speaking.
And the data backs this up: a landmark study from Harvard found that people spend 47% of their waking hours thinking about something other than what they’re doing—a state that not only disrupts connection but also makes people measurably less happy (Killingsworth & Gilbert, 2010).
Why Listening Matters—At Work and at Home
In public safety roles, active listening is mission-critical. On a call, poor listening can cost you information, safety, or someone’s trust. In a relationship, it can cost you connection—or, over time, the relationship itself.
Studies show that active listening is linked to:
Higher relationship satisfaction in both romantic and workplace relationships (Gordon & Chen, 2016)
Greater trust, de-escalation, and cooperation during high-conflict interactions (Rogers, 1951)
Improved team performance and morale, especially in high-stakes settings like public safety and healthcare (Weger et al., 2014)
Stronger empathy and emotional regulation, even after a single brief training session (Koole & Tschacher, 2016)
The Gottman Institute, which has studied over 40 years of relationship dynamics, identifies “leaning in” as one of the foundational skills of long-term successful relationships. This means being emotionally present when someone else is speaking—listening not just with your ears, but with your heart.
Listening With the Heart, Not Just the Head
When someone talks to you, they’re doing more than just sharing words. They’re offering a piece of themselves. And what they’re unconsciously asking is:
“Can I trust you with this?”
When you listen with your full attention, when you drop into presence rather than problem-solving, the person feels it. They feel seen. Heard. Valued. And that’s one of the most healing human experiences we can offer one another—on a call, in a locker room, or across the kitchen table.
Active listening is simple, but it isn’t easy. It takes intention, awareness, and repetition. But the payoff is enormous: deeper trust, better connection, and stronger relationships both on and off duty.
Take This With You: One Conversation That Matters
Practice: The 3-Minute Listening Drill
Choose one person—at work or at home. Ask them an open-ended question like:
“Tell me about your day.”
“What’s been on your mind lately?”
“What’s one thing you wish people understood about your job (or your role)?”
Then follow these 4 steps:
1. Set Your Intention
Silently remind yourself: This is a moment of practice. I’m not here to fix. I’m here to listen.
2. Lean In
Give your full body attention. Turn toward them. Put away your phone or distractions. Soften your face. Let your posture signal that you care.
3. Notice Your Mind
Your brain will wander—it’s built that way. When you catch it drifting (into judgment, advice-giving, or planning what to say next), gently guide it back to their voice. Back to this moment.
4. Listen With the Heart
Focus not just on their words, but their tone, emotion, and what matters to them. Let them feel your presence. Let your silence say: I’m here with you.
Try not to interrupt. When they finish, offer something simple like:
“Thanks for sharing that.”
“That sounds like it meant a lot.”
“I didn’t know that—thanks for telling me.”
This isn’t about saying the perfect thing. It’s about being there. With them. For real.
Because Listening Is Loving
Whether you’re in a briefing room, on a scene, or sitting on your kid’s bed before lights out, how you listen tells people how much they matter. And in a world full of noise, your presence is one of the rarest and most meaningful gifts you can offer.
Listening is a skill.
Connection is a choice.
And what you practice grows stronger.
Works Cited
Buckner, R. L., Andrews-Hanna, J. R., & Schacter, D. L. (2008). The brain’s default network: Anatomy, function, and relevance to disease. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1124(1), 1–38.
Gordon, A. M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from?: Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 110(2), 239–260.
Killingsworth, M. A., & Gilbert, D. T. (2010). A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science, 330(6006), 932.
Koole, S. L., & Tschacher, W. (2016). Synchrony in psychotherapy: A review and integrative framework for the therapeutic alliance. Frontiers in Psychology, 7, 862.
Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L. A. (1957). Are you listening? McGraw-Hill.
Rogers, C. R. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications and theory. Houghton Mifflin.
Weger, H., Jr., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31.