Reframe STRESS: It is NOT a Problem

Written on 06/11/2025
Tiffany Andras

Stress Isn’t Bad

Most people think stress is the enemy: the thing that’s breaking us down, making us sick, and shortening our lives. But what if the real culprit isn’t stress, but what we believe about stress?

In her widely viewed TED Talk, health psychologist Dr. Kelly McGonigal shares the surprising results of a 10-year study that tracked 30,000 adults in the U.S. Researchers found that people who experienced a lot of stress had a 43% increased risk of dying only if they believed that stress was harmful to their health. In contrast, people who experienced high levels of stress but did not hold that belief had the lowest risk of dying of anyone in the study, even lower than those who reported relatively little stress at all (Keller et al., 2012).

The takeaway? It’s not stress that kills you. It’s the belief that stress is killing you.

This finding turns the narrative upside down. Stress is not a failure. It’s not a flaw in our design. In fact, the stress response is the reason you and I are here today.

Over the course of human evolution, the people who survived, whose genes got passed on, weren’t the ones who felt no stress. They were the ones with fast, responsive, and powerful stress systems. Your pounding heart, rapid breath, and alert mind are all part of an ancient survival system that helped our ancestors fight, flee, and persevere through real threats.

The fact that you’re here means your ancestors outran lions, survived famine, crossed oceans, and endured war. Stress isn’t the problem. It’s a survival advantage.

If you’d like to watch Kelly’s TED Talk, here you go!

So what is the problem?

The issue isn’t stress itself. It’s getting stuck in stress. It’s living in a state of chronic stress with no off-switch, no recovery.

Acute stress, in the right context, can sharpen your thinking, fuel your energy, and even boost your immune system. But chronic stress is what wears down the body and mind. It weakens the immune system, disrupts sleep, impacts sex drive, increases inflammation, and is linked to everything from heart disease to depression (McEwen, 2007).

And the truth is, most Americans live in a state of chronic stress. Not because we’re weak. Not because our lives are objectively more dangerous. But because no one ever taught us how to regulate out of stress.

We have emergency brakes but no recovery gear.

Stress Recovery Is the Missing Skill

Stress becomes toxic not when it shows up, but when it stays. The real skill is learning how to recover from stress, not just at the end of the day, but throughout the day.

Recovery means knowing how to:

  • Go from an 8/10 to a 4/10 after a tough call
  • Recognize when you’re activated and use your breath to come down
  • Let your body reset and release between back-to-back demands

You don’t have to wait until bedtime to recover. In fact, you’ll be healthier and more elastic if you practice small resets all day long.

The Science of Small Resets

Studies show that regulating your stress response throughout the day improves cognitive performance, emotional resilience, and long-term health. Techniques like slow breathing, mindful attention, cold exposure, and vagal stimulation (like humming or singing) have been shown to increase heart rate variability (HRV), a key marker of stress resilience and nervous system flexibility (Thayer et al., 2012).

Even just taking 60 seconds to do a physiological sigh (two inhales through the nose, one long exhale through the mouth) can lower heart rate, decrease blood pressure, and bring the nervous system back into balance (Huberman Lab, 2022).

Watch this video to learn how taking time for hobbies can become active stress recovery

Connection: The Most Powerful Recovery Tool

But perhaps the most overlooked stress recovery tool is also the most human: connection.

When you connect with someone you trust – through eye contact, physical touch, or simply being present – your body releases oxytocin, a neurohormone often called the “bonding or cuddle hormone.”

Oxytocin doesn’t just feel good. It’s healing. It reduces inflammation, buffers the cardiovascular system, and helps heart cells regenerate after stress damage (Uvnäs-Moberg et al., 2015). It literally helps your heart repair itself from the negative effects of stress.

That means:

  • Hugging someone for 12 seconds can reduce stress hormones
  • Talking about your day with someone who listens can reset your nervous system
  • Sitting with someone in silence and truly being with them can bring you out of a stress spiral

Connection is not optional. It’s biological medicine.

The Bottom Line

Stress isn’t bad. It’s human. It’s necessary. And it can even be a force for growth, strength, and clarity.

What hurts us isn’t the stress itself – it’s staying stuck in it.

So instead of trying to eliminate stress, let’s focus on learning how to recover from it, moment by moment, day by day. Use your breath. Move your body. Step outside. Laugh. Talk to someone. Hug someone. Be with people who remind you that you’re not alone.

Embrace each other, and you embrace oxytocin. You begin your process of recovery.

Here is a video from Neuroscientist Dr. Paul Zak on the power of Oxytocin and Social Connection


References

  • Keller, A., et al. (2012). Does the perception that stress affects health matter? Health Psychology, 31(5), 677–684.
  • McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904.
  • Thayer, J. F., Yamamoto, S. S., & Brosschot, J. F. (2012). The relationship of autonomic imbalance, heart rate variability and cardiovascular disease risk factors. International Journal of Cardiology, 141(2), 122–131.
  • Huberman Lab. (2022). Tools for Stress & Anxiety [Podcast episode]. Stanford University.
  • Uvnäs-Moberg, K., Handlin, L., & Petersson, M. (2015). Self-soothing behaviors with particular reference to oxytocin release induced by non-noxious sensory stimulation. Frontiers in Psychology, 5, 1529.